VIVA The Hangzhouvian Dynasty

Echo Marco Polo in your adventures, friends.

Ronald McDonald, Foreign Expert

My first day off was lazy and anticlimactic. I slept late, finally woke up and my electricity was out. I started to do my laundry, clung to the machines in desperation that my jeans would walk off with one of the perfectly innocent cleaning ladies. I really must learn more of the language, if not to be able to communicate so that I understand what everyone is so angry about. The woman who overcharges me for her sweet, clementines yells every morning at me like I'm robbing the fruit stand of it's fortunes. I respond to her mystery commands with something like "no problem" or "why thank you" and she does an evil chuckle and continues to yell while I pay her ten-fold what the next Chinese customer would pay and then continues to yell until I turn the corner. Which brings me back to the women in the laundry room, all going about their business, one washing her All Stars with a sponge, another throwing her 101 dalmation sheets (same ones I had as a babe!) into the dryer , all not terribly suspicious activities but they all yell while doing it, making me question the safety of my faux hippie tunics without my hovering presence. So, after three hours of my clothes in the dryer I got bored pretending to read in the laundry room, called it a day, packed the wet clothes and hung them around my room like a true Chinese . Amazingly, I was able to communicate to the woman at the front desk that my electricity was out and even more impressive I had it back within five minutes. I also found a coffee shop across the street with cappucinos and a "Supreme New York hot dog" with Bacon (2 pieces), Sausage, Cheese, Onion, Pickles atop "two slices of white bread salty toast". If that doesn't whet my appetite I can also try the salami panini offered next door. Such tempting options, although I finally settled on dumplings for linner. On a usual day there are atleast 4 dumpling places open down the street from my school however today all but one were closed because of the Chinese New Year. The Chinese New Year is like if Christmas and Fourth of July met, did psychedelic drugs, and had an overdose. Almost every restaurant is closed for weeks and buses and trains have been sold out for months. A nation literally exploding with people has fireworks for sale on every corner, whole firework floors in grocery store, and pop up shops with an odd resemblance to Dairy Barn (must be all the red) in between. Because Vietnam has their own New Year's and requires a visa to enter, I've finally succumbed to staying in Hangzhou for the holiday. I know, poor terrible me in China for Chinese New Year. I guess there could be worse things, amirite? I also found a McDonald's in the spot where an online expatriot website told me Sunnyside Gym was located. Oh well, Ronald wins again. I was reunited with my passport, and I got a sweet "Foreign Expert Certificate" and Health Certificate that diagnosed me with something called Sinus bradycardia, not sure what this means but the certificates make me feel so bidnass as I'm listening to MIMS, my wet clothes draped around my dorm room, wondering how many calories are in a Chinese cappucino..surely less than in a Starbucks one, right?

Kung Pao Tofu

Tonight marks the beginning of my well-deserved Chinese New Year's break. This week was my own lesson on the irony of China. For instance take Wu Gui Fu, speaks terrible english yet he is the head of an English language school in a big Chinese city. He wears a New Era windbreaker over a business suit. He dresses up like a tiger but degrades women all the time. Another ironic happening that's been bugging me is kung pao chicken. Everytime I have ordered it in Hangzhou it has been Kung Pao Tofu. I may not know many of the MSG laden mystery ingredients but I do know the difference between chicken and it's flavorless substitute. Oh well must stick to eggplant, rice, and Pocky. I've also been running in shorts which is very scandalous in China. First for a woman to exercise and then to wear shorts outside is unheard of! But the campus of Zhejiang University is very large and windy allowing for plenty of exploration and not many crazy cars and ,even more crazy, bicycles. I have this theory the bicycles and scooters on the road abide by only one traffic rule-- don't stop. I can't add up how many times I've almost been clipped by some quick peddler. As for this week off, I am tempted to go to Vietnam! It may be difficult , expensive, and last minute but we will see. David and Richard have inspired me to live dangerously! Muahaha also, it's only money so who cares if I don't have it? I get my golden ticket (passport) back tomorrow and am really looking forward to it.

Let me have a think

I'm returning to Hangzhou and it's wall mounted heaters which seem to serve only a decorative purpose. Shenzhen has shown me tropical shady businessmen, children who don't understand the concept of a hobby, and a Chinese woman named Nikita. All in all an extremely busy eight days. My first two classes of the day began at 7:45 am. Needless to say the teacher had a hard time attending. The reading course was tedious, difficult, and somewhat boring. It all worked out for the best though because the final class I taught was fantastic. Throughout the course, I focused on short stories beginning with Grimm's then going to Hemingway's "The Killers" and then Kate Chopin's" Story of an Hour." "The Killers" focused on the Prohibition Era and I introduced the students to the term "gangster" through a Boardwalk Empire clip. Thanks to the Home Box Office I'm spreading the thug life, one dream at a time. The students were all so smart and had such interesting and clear interpretations of the works. They put my own wikipedia formulated analysis to shame. The last class the students put together an epic skit combining all the stories. I first proposed to seperate the class into groups and each group would do a modern retelling of one of the stories. However one of the girls proposed a combination and being the ridiculous person I am, I quickly agreed. All of the students joined in and some little kids came to view the skit. My last class and I wasn't allowed to tell the students I was leaving because according to Ken, "it is very difficult to get foreign teachers." I'm still not sure why I couldn't tell them. Maybe they are planning to trick the students into believing that one of the Chinese teachers is foreign. Either way I will miss the students, their eager attitudes, and their positive work ethic.
My second class was a small speaking group. I had four students, Elva, Lolli, Rosie and Icarus. Elva is the funniest person I have met in China. She's a ninteen year old pianist, Starbucks conneiseur, and the origin of my newly adapted catch phrase "let me have a think." Even though I was her English teacher it was too great to correct. Use it, own it, work it. She loves American culture and it was my honor to introduce Lady Gaga's Bad Romance video, Glee and Sue Sylvester, Black Swan and the common American - Drake idiom, "Oh you fancy, huh?" I also adapted the Boardwalk Empire lesson plan into one on "what do gangsters do in their free time? Hobbies of America's past and present." (Atleast, that is what I would have called the lesson in retrospect.) For the present part I also added a clip from The Town and The Sopranos, but alas no Departed clips on the Chinese youtube : (. The gangster lesson was a hit with Icarus. Icarus is the first English name or sort of English name, I have given to any one. I thought he was more of a Peter or a Michael but he insisted on something more original and badass. A 15 year old boy who writes "Jane Austen" as his person for the game twenty questions does not seem badass or rebellious but either way I think the name Icarus is solid. Who knows maybe it's just the thing he needs to spread his wings and fly towards the sun...excuse my pundicide.Lolli is another insanely funny lady, I knew we would be instant friends when she said "My name is Lolli but you can call me Lollipop." What solidified this friendship was when she said I had a beautiful singing voice. Bahahaa wowee I don't think anyone has ever said that to me. Lollipop loves Justin Bieber, singing out of her apartment's windows, and any activity involving expression. Ironically enough this future Oscar winner plans to go into the family trade, mechanical engineering. Finally, Rosie, a sweet studious girl who chose Martin Luther King Jr as her character for 20 questions. Needless to say myself and Lollipop did not guess any further back in history than Obama. Perhaps my greatest triumph has been the welcome lyrics written to Justin Bieber upon his imagined arrival in Shenzhen. Lolli, Rosie and I peppered it with Beyonce and Lady Gaga lyrics. It seems he will be caught in a bad romance upon his arrival. But he's a survivor, ain't gonna give up, gonna work harder.
I am very grateful the teaching has been so fun and the kids so positive because the administration of my school runs like a schizophrenic mafia. First was my housing tragedy and then my sudden trip to Shenzhen (completely lesson plan-less for the 60 hours of courses--that's quite a bit of bullshitting). Then my Hangzhou boss, Wu Guifu insisted that I mail my original 200K Fordham diploma overseas to a major Chinese corporation otherwise I would risk losing my visa. After I told him I refused to, he called Nikita, another teacher in Shenzen, and she arrived at my hotel room at 10 pm with the CEO of Shinywee's cell phone number. She told me to call her in the morning and after she skipped down the hall I wondered if the key she was holding was to my room. Had Wu Guifu sent this 100 lb Chinese woman, who despite her fierce, African name,wears Hello Kitty and pointy fur-lined pink boots, to force the diploma out of my body? Because I would swallow it whole before giving it to him. The following morning Nikita slinked into class, I spoke to the CEO of Shinywee, and an hour later the diploma issue was forgotten because my visa had been approved. On the same day as the diploma debacle, I was cornered by the Shenzhen boss who's opening line was "I heard you like it here in Shenzhen." I replied that i never said that and he ignored me and proceeded to offer me a job and contract with his school. It was honestly a better deal but the idea of going through visa hell a second time was too much to bear so I am in the airport, 8 days after beginning the course, not finishing it and leaving because I have to get my visa before the Chinese New Year.
And now that i have heard "If the plane has to make a forced landing please take off you high heeled shoes" I must kick my kitten heels off, lounge back into this snoring opera, and embrace the meat crumbles atop porridge I will soon be served. Bon appetit.

Dollar Billz and Rolling Suitcases

Wowee Day five here and I've already moved three times and am now moving a fourth time tomorrow. This time my move is a bit further than the previous three. I am headed to Shenzhen, a city on mainland China directly across from Hong Kong. My boss Wu Guifu(translation :wealthy) asked me if I wanted to join the other foreign TOEFL teacher and go and teach at a high school for two weeks. Because the company I am working for is extremely disorganized, they asked me two days before the start of the course. A side note: Wu Guifu was the one who set me up with the horrific apartment so when he asked me if I was interested in teaching the course, over the phone, I thought he was proposing I move to a suburb of Hangzhou with him so I immediately said n to the fuhreaking o. During his slurred proposal, I was moving into my rented dorm room at Zhejiang University with my Chinese crew, two girls and a driver who had been helping me move my shit all over Hangzhou. I feel terrible for them because the two girls can't weigh more than my bags. The two girls, Angela and Joyce, have gotten into the habit of sneaking out of the car, taking a suitcase, and running ahead with it. My fatass runs after them both, praying they won't attempt to bring my bags up the stairs. Even though most places in China have more than five floors rarely do you find an elevator. This dorm was no different.
A few hours after moving into the dorm, I saw David/ God who explained the real situation and considering the warm weather and the opportunity to shadow the British teacher, I agreed. I am leaving at 5:30 am tomorrow morning with Richard, a young teacher from Northern England, who I have yet to meet.
As for most of my luggage, I am leaving it in my office at Shiny Wee, which has a sign on the door that reads "foreigner" in Chinese characters.Because I am going to Shenzhen I will be missing Shiny Wee's 15th anniversary party which seems to essentially be a talent show. My boss, Wu Guifu, will be dressing up like a tiger, unfortunate because I think he is more of a squirrel. David/God told me all of the directors were dressing up as animals. He also told one of the Chinese teachers that I was going to do a "Romeo and Juliet" performance with her at the party. The girl willingly agreed and when she asked who would be who and when could we get costumes I had to break the news to her that I was more of a Hamlet girl.
I've been so busy with moving and getting settled that I haven't really done any actually teaching. It seems that in Shenzhen, I will be teaching a reading class and a speaking class both of which lack a lesson plan, etc. So, I've decided to teach some Grimm's fairy tales. It's difficult to plan because I do not know the language level of the classes but will see. If all else fails I have Bananagrams and some sweet icebreakers thanks to GO! Glenmary and my TEFL class.